KEEPING THE GOOD IN “FOR THEIR OWN GOOD”

Everyone hates having things done “for their own good.” Even our pets object to being plunged into flea baths or dragged to the vet—and while they forgive us quickly, that doesn’t stop them from putting up the same struggle the next time. They sense we have their best interests at heart, but they still don’t understand why we have to do it this uncomfortably.

Children may be more capable of understanding why they have to go to the doctor, be in bed before sunset, or eat foods besides their top three favorites, but they still don’t enjoy it. And they’ll enjoy it less if we emphasize “it’s for your own good,” which to them is just another version of “Because I said so.” With the added humiliation of our implying they should be grateful for such misery.

There are better ways of motivating kids to cooperate with life’s necessary evils—ways that start with making things less miserable, even enjoyable.

Don’t overwhelm kids by making new food offerings the focus of the meal: start with a small portion alongside old favorites. And don’t generate resistance by pestering them to “take a taste.” Trust their curiosity—and their seeing you eat it—to lead them into sampling and probably liking it.

Introduce healthier foods through small changes in old meals: substitute applesauce for sugar, add ground carrot to hamburgers. (Whether or not you mention the change, avoid the smug-surprise approach of, “See, you did eat it and enjoy it.” The kids will feel they’ve been swindled, and will be left resentful—and suspicious of future meals.)

Have a fun bedtime routine—quiet games, a light snack, sharing what you liked about the day—to wind down for sleep

Let them pick special sweaters for “it’s not that cold out” days. (Note: kids often have a point in objecting to putting on sweaters just because you’re chilly. If they’re going some distance, give them extra layers to carry along—not necessarily wear. At home, let them decide for themselves when to go get another layer.)

If it doesn’t seem enough (or possible) to make an activity more fun, balance it with more desirable activities.

Go out for a special treat after the doctor visit.

Wash away medicine aftertaste with tasty fruit juice.

Tell stories about things you have to do and don’t enjoy. Exaggerate to make them hilarious (not frightening).

Tell your child how proud you are of her being cooperative/brave/polite. If that was a real step forward, give her a handmade “Growing Up” medal, and toast her at home that evening.

Show respect. Empathize with your children’s not looking forward to the experience, then ask if they can explain in their own words why it’s needed. If they can’t, tell them in age-appropriate terms, without talking condescendingly or over-explaining. They may not like it any better for agreeing it’s necessary, but they’ll be more cooperative if they see it not as something forced on them by know-it-all adults, but as a way of sharing personal responsibility for their lives.