Does Your Family Have Scapegoat Syndrome?

DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE SCAPEGOAT SYNDROME?

Often, the family “black sheep” is really a “scapegoat,” a convenient excuse for other family members to deny their roles in various problems. The “scapegoat” may have an obvious problem such as drug addiction or chronic truancy. Or s/he may just have had the bad luck to be born at an inconvenient time, or to look like a hated relative.

Regardless of the cause, the “scapegoat” typically internalizes the “bad one” label and makes misbehavior part of his or her identity. The “good” kids fare little better: besides developing a negative attitude toward their “problem” sibling, they learn to dodge blame and don’t learn to accept personal responsibility. In many families, scapegoat syndrome continues to poison relationships decades after the children are grown.

Whatever ages your kids are, the best time to spot and stop any scapegoating tendencies is immediately.

Your family may have scapegoat syndrome if:

That’s of course with the understanding that they do have a responsibility to think.

In any difference of opinion between the kids, you always empathize with the same child(ren).

Any child stands out from the others in any way—and you find that way annoying, whether or not you can say why. Or, any child reminds you of a sibling or other relative you disliked, or displays qualities you dislike in yourself.

You find yourself labeling your kids and using always and never to describe their behavior: “He’s always in trouble.” “She’s a perfect angel.” “Tantrums are an everyday thing for her.”

You “don’t know what to do with” any one child, and have all but given up trying. Plus, you can’t remember the last time you were angry with the other child(ren) for anything

The “good” kids are all too eager to report misbehavior on the “bad” one’s part.

One child complains regularly that “I always get picked on.” (Yes, this is sometimes just being a sore loser—but sometimes it’s the truth.)

If you recognize the above symptoms in your family, here’s what you can do:

Resolve to listen to and consider everyone’s side of the story in every circumstance.

When an argument breaks out among the kids, keep your distance unless property damage or physical injury seems imminent. If anyone comes to you demanding a judgment, tell them they’ll have to resolve their own differences of opinion.

If you feel you must get involved in an argument, send all parties into time-out to cool down, regardless of what you see going on. Once things have calmed, assemble everyone and let them take turns explaining their points of view—without ranting, interrupting, or accusations.

Make a strict house rule against “tattling” for minor offenses.

If you still struggle with scapegoat syndrome, or if you genuinely dislike any of your children for any reason, get professional therapy (for the whole family, not just for yourself and definitely not just for the “problem” child).

Be willing to accept your share of responsibility for any troublesome family issues—and insist that all your kids do the same.